😒 FAQ – Frequently Avoided Questions
Because you're clearly not getting the hint.
Welcome to our FAQ section, where we answer questions that no one asked — but we wish they had. If you were hoping for help, you’re probably still staying at the Premier Inn. Proceed with caution and low expectations.
🧼 Do you actually hate hotels?
Not all of them. Just the ones that smell like wet carpet and offer “complimentary slippers” that look like lasagne sheets.
🍬 Have you ever found a mint on your pillow?
Yes. Once. 2017. Trauma therapy is ongoing. Next question.
🧦 Why 'Nigel Slippers'?
Because “Nigel ComplimentaryToiletries” didn’t fit on a business card. Also, he once wore 7 different hotel slippers in one day. Long story.
🛏️ How do you rate hotels?
Using the Pillow Scale™:
🛏️ - “Slept like I was being punished”
🛏️🛏️ - “I’ll survive, emotionally”
🛏️🛏️🛏️🛏️🛏️ - “Almost pleasant. Suspicious.”
📸 Are the reviews real?
Yes. Sadly.
We don’t have the creative energy to invent this level of beige disappointment.
📬 Will you review my hotel?
Gladly!
Payment accepted in snacks, sarcasm, and a non-damp bath mat. But no guarantees you’ll like the results.
🚪 What’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen in a hotel?
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A carpet with a smell so emotional it needed counselling.
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A remote control sealed in clingfilm.
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A fridge with yoghurt that expired during the Obama presidency.
🧾 Do you ever say anything nice?
Once. In 2022.
It was “actually alright.” We regret it.
🛎️ Is this a joke website?
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That depends. Did your shower have only one temperature setting? Then no. This is crisis journalism.
📧 Is there a newsletter?
Not yet. But if you like your inbox full of snark, crumbs, and passive-aggressive WiFi passwords, stay tuned.
