🍺 Great Guinness Glass Audit
Guinness. It’s not just a drink — it’s a sacred oath between bartender and drinker. A promise that the creamy black nectar will be poured with reverence, into the correct glass, with a head that stands proud instead of collapsing like a bad soufflé.
Sadly, across Britain’s hotels, this sacred bond is broken on a near-weekly basis. I’ve been served Guinness in glasses belonging to other beers, Guinness that arrived in a tin without ceremony, and in one unforgettable case, no Guinness at all.
This is The Great Guinness Glass Audit — my ongoing mission to find the perfect pour, name and shame the offenders, and assign Pint Points ranging from “I’d trust them with my will” to “I need counselling”.
🛏️ Beyond the pint glass…
If you thought mis-served Guinness was bad, wait until you see what Accor gets up to with their “Sweet Beds,” terrifying breakfasts, and décor decisions that scream community-centre-chic. Explore The Accor-ometer: Beds, Beers & Bad Decisions — every ibis, Novotel, and Mercure I’ve suffered, ranked from tolerable to traumatising.
🏆 The Guinness Hall of Fame
The rare, glittering moments in British hotel history when the pint was so good it almost erased the trauma of paper-thin walls, suspicious carpet stains, and a breakfast buffet that looked like it needed counselling. These are the pours that made me stop mid-sip, nod in solemn approval, and briefly believe humanity might still have hope.
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Mercure Blackburn Dunkenhalgh – Creamy head, flawless pour, and a shamrock drawn on top. That’s not just a pint; that’s a love letter in liquid form. Straight to the top with +10 Pint Points
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Mercure Daventry Court – Poured with reverence into the right glass. No drama, no nonsense, just Guinness the way Guinness intended. +5 Pint Points
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Novotel Newcastle Airport – Began life in a tin, but was poured into the correct glass with all the care of a state funeral. Redemption achieved. +4 Pint Points
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ibis Styles Birmingham NEC – Right glass, right taste — which in hotel bar terms is basically spotting a unicorn in a Travelodge car park. +4 Pint Points
Creamy head, flawless pour
Poured with reverence, no drama
From humble tin to perfect glass
Creamy head, flawless pour
🚨 Vessels of Shame
The unforgivable offences where the beer was technically Guinness, but the vessel was so wrong it could be used as evidence in a court of law. These are the moments that make you stare into the middle distance, wondering how civilisation survived this long, and whether you should just take up gin instead.
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Novotel Coventry M6/J3 – Guinness in a Becks glass. That’s like serving champagne in a Sports Direct mug. –4 Pint Points
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Harlow Hotel by Accor – Goose Island IPA glass. I can’t. –4 Pint Points
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Ambition Cruise (Ambassador) – Fosters glass. On the open sea. Truly, international waters are a lawless wasteland. –5 Pint Points
The stout equivalent of karaoke in a library.
Like wearing flip-flops to a black-tie wedding.
The stout equivalent of karaoke in a library.
❌ Great Guinness Famine
The darkest days in the hotel bar timeline. Moments when the taps ran dry, the fridge lay bare, and I was left staring into the void of my empty hand. Whether replaced with some “perfectly good IPA” or fobbed off with an entirely different stout imposter, these were nights of sorrow, betrayal, and the faint sound of Irish ancestors rolling in their graves.
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Mercure York Fairfield Manor – “Out of stock.” Like telling me the beds are just for display. 0 Pint Points
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Mercure Telford Centre – Offered IPA instead. That’s not how Guinness works, Linda. 0 Pint Points
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Taychreggan Hotel – Replaced with BrewDog’s Black Heart. It’s Guinness’s cousin who works in sales and insists you call him “Bazza.” 0 Pint Points
Where beards outnumber bar stools.
Beer with more skulls than a pirate convention.
BLUE MOON BELGIAN WHITE
Where beards outnumber bar stools.
📊 Pint Points Rating System
Each pint is scored between +5 (“Flawless, would name my child after the bartender”) and –5 (“The ice cream machine at McDonald’s has a better work ethic”).
Current leader: Mercure Blackburn Dunkenhalgh (+10, shamrock bonus)
Bottom of the barrel: Ambition Cruise (–5, Fosters trauma)
📨 The Guinness Tip Line
Seen a pint crime? A collapsed head? A Guinness served in a glass so wrong it made you question reality? Send me the evidence. If it’s bad enough, I’ll add it to this page and credit you as a Field Investigator in the fight for pint justice.
