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Mercure Daventry Court – Suspiciously Competent Behaviour

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You know you’re in for something when a hotel describes itself as “nestled within picturesque grounds” near a Saxon market town, boasting a delightful inner courtyard, Nordic walking, and a restaurant called Fuel. I expected a health retreat or maybe a medieval banquet with a side of gout.


What I actually got was… unsettlingly fine.

A working hotel. No chaos. No mould. No angry receptionist who resents your mere presence.

Instead: a handwritten note, a Twix, and a power shower that could remove your sins.

Let’s unpack the trauma I didn’t have!


🛬 Check-In – Too Smooth, Must Be a Trap


There was no queue. The staff smiled. I didn’t even need to do the usual “I’m actually a member, I swear” dance. They recognised my loyalty status and upgraded me to a Privilege Room without resistance. Suspicious. But I accepted it with the grace of a man who has seen too many Travelodges.


I’ve made it. I am the 1% now.
I’ve made it. I am the 1% now.

🚗 ParkingEye – Confuse and Control


Parking is free, which is a miracle in itself. But of course, you still have to engage in psychological warfare with a ParkingEye machine. It asked me how many days I was staying, and the correct answer was somehow “2” despite staying just one night. Because the system resets at midnight. If you get it wrong, you get a fine. Like a game show, but with fewer prizes.


Thankfully, someone had kindly handwritten instructions next to the machine. Hotel horror, but with community support.


Not instructions – a riddle from a vengeful god.
Not instructions – a riddle from a vengeful god.

🏨 Corridor Chic – Genuinely Nice (Help)


I set off down a labyrinth of corridors fully prepared to be traumatised. But shockingly, the lighting was bright, the walls stylishly panelled, and the floor didn’t crunch. No flickering bulbs. No stains that looked like exorcism remnants. Just… a nice corridor.


Nothing says luxury like a corridor that doesn’t hum.
Nothing says luxury like a corridor that doesn’t hum.

🛏️ The Room – A Privilege, Literally


I opened the door expecting disappointment wrapped in a lie. But no – the room was bright, clean, and surprisingly spacious. A handwritten note welcomed me back like a long-lost lover, and beside it, a Twix waited silently, understanding my needs.


Welcome back, King. Here’s a Twix.
Welcome back, King. Here’s a Twix.

In the fridge? Free water. Orange juice. Coke. Lemonade. I thought about calling reception to confess how much I liked them, but then remembered – the phone was broken.


Totally silent. Like the staff if you ask for late checkout.
Totally silent. Like the staff if you ask for late checkout.

On the drinks front, the hotel doubled down – an instant coffee kettle AND a proper Nespresso machine with pods. Shortbread biscuits too. And not just any – Walkers. The biscuit of champions.


Pod me up, Scotty.
Pod me up, Scotty.

The bed? A proper kingsize. Not two bitter singles forced to live a lie. And USB charging on both sides. Both. This is peak civilisation.


🚿 Bathroom – Clinically Clean


Usually the bathroom is where it all falls apart. But here? Spotless.

The shower was powerful enough to rinse away existential dread. Mixer taps worked like they were installed this decade. The complimentary Elemental Herbology toiletries were full. I opened the toilet lid like I was defusing a bomb – but it was immaculate. Not a smear in sight. I didn’t know how to feel.


🍺 Bar & Bevvies – Guinness With Honour


Armed with my free drink voucher, I headed to the bar expecting shame. I ordered a Guinness, fully prepared to drink it from a Stella glass with a lipstick rim. But no. They served it in a proper Guinness pint glass. I nearly applauded.


She’s beautiful. And properly dressed.
She’s beautiful. And properly dressed.

🌐 Wi-Fi – Faster Than Logic


Hotel Wi-Fi is usually a joke with a punchline called “buffering.” But here? 157 megabits down, 153 up. I thought I’d accidentally joined the hotel’s internal server. I could stream, upload, Zoom, and run a small business from the bed.


Faster than my house. I’m furious.
Faster than my house. I’m furious.

🧼 Lift Situation – Blessed Absence


There are no lifts here. Normally that would annoy me, but after what lifts have done to me in other hotels (see: Bradford), I’m genuinely glad. Stairs are peaceful. Predictable. Less noisy, less smelly, and less likely to trap you between floors with a pram and half a BLT.


🧳 Weekend Deal – The One Downside


This place is clearly a conference hotel during the week. Polished, professional, slightly businessy. But come the weekend, the price drops to bargain levels – and so do the standards of other guests. You know who I mean. Families. Children. Screaming in corridors. Fortnite noises through paper-thin walls. The kind of stuff that makes you long for a return to corporate soullessness.


🧐 Final Thoughts – Suspiciously Good


This wasn’t just “good for the price.” It was actually good.

Clean. Functional. Free stuff. A Twix. A working shower. A Guinness in the right glass. I should’ve been miserable, but I wasn’t. Which is deeply unsettling.


And most importantly – no mint on my pillow. Because that might have tipped me over the edge into joy.


🌟 Rating: 🛏️🛏️🛏️🛏️½ out of 5


I came expecting chaos. I got comfort.

It’s ruined everything.

 
 
 

4 Comments

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Susan Twixington
7 days ago
Rated 5 out of 5 stars.

As a long-standing advocate of chocolate-based guest diplomacy, I fully support the Twix approach. Hilton gave me a Fisherman’s Friend once. Never again.

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Carl the Complainer
7 days ago
Rated 5 out of 5 stars.

157 megabits?? Is this a hotel or NASA? I streamed an entire season of Peep Show while sitting on the toilet and it didn’t buffer once. 10/10 Wi-Fi. Weird flex.

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Sharon Loves Lagers
7 days ago
Rated 5 out of 5 stars.

Honestly can’t believe they served Guinness in the RIGHT glass. I cried a little. Last time I ordered one at a hotel bar, it came in a prosecco flute and the barman called it ‘quirky’.

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Barry from Banbury
7 days ago
Rated 5 out of 5 stars.

Just stayed here last weekend and can confirm: that ParkingEye machine nearly cost me my marriage. I said I was staying one night, it said I was staying two. My wife said I never listen. The machine and she are now best friends apparently.

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