🏰 Crewe Hall Hotel & Spa – Royal Fantasy Meets Modern Confusion

Welcome to Crewe Hall Hotel & Spa – where the outside screams royalty, the inside whispers Downton Abbey fan fiction, and the west wing mutters, "You don’t belong here." I arrived without research, armed with my usual optimism and a wallet full of sarcasm, only to discover I’d accidentally booked a night inside a National Trust murder mystery dinner set.

🚗 Arrival – Where Horses Once Lived

I arrived expecting a Premier Inn and instead rolled up to a literal stately home. A mile-long driveway, towering gates, and statues that probably judge you. Parking, however, was only available somewhere near Wales. Legend says it’s where they used to stable the horses, far enough from the Lords so they didn’t smell the poor.

But never fear – I activated my go-to cheat code: plugged into the EV charger and pretended I was saving the planet. Didn't pay. Didn't charge. Just parked. Carbon emissions? Yes. Parking fee? Absolutely not.

“Lion statues welcoming me to my humble servant’s quarters.”

🛎️ Check-In – Upstairs, Downstairs

I watched the older couple in front of me get directed grandly up the staircase with the grace of visiting nobility. My turn? "You’re in the west wing." Oh. Servants' quarters, it is.

Reception itself was beautiful – carved wood panels, low lighting, and a fireplace so grand I expected a cloaked figure to step out and read me a prophecy.

“A fireplace so grand, I half expected a butler to crawl out of it.”

Surprisingly fast check-in, and I was handed a 5-page dossier on the hotel’s history. I’ve never been so formally educated during a check-in. I now know more about this building than my own family tree.

😵 Lost in Translation – A Gothic Odyssey

I headed toward my room and immediately got lost. First stop: what I can only describe as a sacrificial chapel. Next: a room with a grand piano just sitting there like it was waiting for Mozart to pop by. I was halfway to giving up when a staff member rescued me from a likely séance and pointed me toward the west wing.

Either I found the music room or interrupted a séance. Unsure.

🔑 Key Card – A Wooden Conundrum

Key card is actual wood. A charming nod to the 1800s. Until you realise it’s just a paper-thin slice that looks like it’s one wrong twist from snapping. It came with a card saying “The Key to a Good Night’s Sleep.” Bold of them, after last night’s plumbing nightmares elsewhere.

It’s a key. It’s a coaster. It’s a cry for help.

🛏️ Room – 90s Chic, Not Straw Bale

I was fully expecting straw bedding and a tin bath. Instead, the room was surprisingly modern – early 1990s business conference energy, but clean.

Two single beds, proudly not pretending to be a double. They’ve accepted the breakup, and I respect that.

“Two singles, keeping their emotional distance. A lesson to us all.”

View from the window? A grassy area featuring what looked suspiciously like a landmine sculpture. Because nothing says "relax" like potential unexploded ordinance.

“Ah yes, the tranquil view of shrubbery... and possible military detritus.”

📦 Amenities – A Time Capsule of Luxury

Plug sockets but no USB. Time to get the extension lead out and trip over it nightly. But what did warm my heart? A Corby 4400 trouser press. Released sometime during the Cold War and still going strong. I didn’t use it, but I saluted it respectfully.

“The Corby 4400 – pressing since Churchill, disappointing ever since.”

☕ Tea & Coffee – The Ritual Continues

Standard kettle. Instant coffee. No Nespresso wizardry. But the kettle passed the hygiene test AND I got Walkers shortbread – my favourite. I almost felt loved.

Fridge check? One bottle of water. Opened. Half-empty. Mystery water. Lovely.

“Walker’s Shortbread – the edible apology for instant coffee.”

🛁 Bathroom – Fancy by 4-Star Standards

Toilet roll folded like a paper swan? We’re in business. Separate shower AND bath. And I was spoiled with Prija toiletries – they sound posh, so I trust them. For all I know, they’re just herbal Fairy Liquid, but they smell like confidence.

“Prija: it sounds expensive so I just accepted it without question.”

🧖‍♂️ Spa – Sweat & Regret

I didn’t pack swimming shorts, so dashed to ASDA and grabbed a George £6 special. Entered the spa expecting serenity, instead found every local from a 15-mile radius. Rammed. I opened the sauna – it was a can of steaming sardines. Everyone shuffled to make space. I joined. I regretted.

Shoutout to their swimsuit dryer, though – 10 seconds, bone dry. Possibly magic.

“The only thing in this hotel that works faster than my sarcasm.”

🪑 Corridors of Curiosity – Chairs from Hell

Walked down a corridor that appeared to be filled with cages. Upon closer inspection, they were chairs. Very, very questionable chairs. Medieval waiting room vibes. I did not sit down.

“Chairs or medieval re-education pods? You decide.”

🎲 Games Room – Narnia Found

An actual games room. With a library, board games, and a chess board. I briefly considered staying in there to live out the rest of my days in ironic silence.

“The only place here where strategy is rewarded.”

🍻 Bar – Booze Without Drafts

No free drink voucher tonight – no loyalty program. The betrayal! No draft beer either. But they had Blue Moon in a bottle, which felt like ordering a cocktail at Wetherspoons. Guinness? Not a chance. Another casualty now immortalised in The Great Guinness Glass Audit.

“Blue Moon – for when Guinness isn’t an option and water isn’t strong enough.”

📶 WiFi – Shock of the Stay

This 400-year-old building gave me better WiFi than most city centres. 154 Mbps up, 83 down. I could download trauma in 4K here.

“This WiFi is faster than my emotional recovery.”

🧐 Final Thoughts – Grand Designs, Slight Delusions

Crewe Hall is a spectacular mansion caught in an identity crisis. Half stately home, half budget conference centre, all confusing. The grandeur is real, but so is the maze of corridors and the haunted energy of every velvet chair.

It’s a hotel with more personality than sense. And for once, I didn’t hate that.

🌟 Rating: 🛏️🛏️🛏️🛏️½ out of 5