ibis Wakefield – Rock Your Body, But Not Your Guinness

ibis closed the bar, so I’m on bottled water now. Living the dream.

📖 What They Promised vs. What I Got

According to the official blurb, this is a “vibrant economy hotel, open to everyone” in a “quiet spot” where I would “enjoy peace and quiet from the moment I arrived.” There’d be “luxurious beds”, “meals in the restaurant and bar”, and parking so easy it was a “dream.”

Here’s what I actually got: a dark corridor worthy of Saw II, a welcoming committee of industrial laundry cages, a bar that closed earlier than my will to live, and a body wash called “Rock Your Body” that sounded like a Shakira single.

🚗 Arrival – ParkingEye of Sauron

Parking was advertised as a “dream” for £3 per 12 hours. Nothing screams romance like paying a small ransom to abandon your car in Castleford. Of course, the ParkingEye terminal promptly crashed on entry, leaving me staring at a digital death screen. Thankfully, the receptionist worked her voodoo and registered me manually. Result: free parking. Probably because even Wakefield knows charging £3 here is daylight robbery.

£3 for 12 hours — and it still can’t afford Wi-Fi.

🛎️ Check-in – Guinness-Speed Service

Check-in was so fast I barely had time to sigh. Name given, key handed over, paperwork already printed. Done. I half-expected a medal ceremony. The receptionist was actually nice too, which instantly felt suspicious.

🛋️ Corridors – Glow Stick Apocalypse

The corridors were darker than my optimism, until suddenly a room sign lit up brighter than the sun itself. I nearly had to apply sun cream just to find my room number.

Darkness… with airport runway lighting.

🛏️ Room – IKEA Does Witness Protection

The room was… big. Shockingly big. Modern, freshly refurbished, suspiciously spotless. It looked like IKEA had designed a panic room and accidentally made it cosy.

• Aircon: A Mitsubishi control panel on the wall — actually worked.

• TV: 42-inch screen, no battery scavenger hunt, no buffering slideshow. Unacceptable efficiency.

• Cleanliness: I searched for dust, cobwebs, even a stray pubic hair. Nothing. Terrifying.

Instead of the usual ibis budget coffin bunks, I was blessed with two full-sized single beds — each with actual pillows that hadn’t collapsed into despair.

☕ The Kettle & Holy Water

The ibis kettle. Usually a horror show of soup stains and mould spores, but here — clean. Functional. Acceptable. No biscuits (standard betrayal). Instant coffee sachets (insult). But two bottled waters in glass bottles. At ibis. I assume they fell off a truck from Novotel.

Clean. Call the press.

🚿 Bathroom – The Shakira Spa

A decent-sized bathroom with a shower that actually had pressure. No bath, but the toiletries more than made up for it. One bottle labelled “Rock Your Body.” Apparently suitable for hair, hands, face, and emotional trauma.

🍺 Bar – Closed Like My Dreams

The blurb promised a “restaurant and bar.” Reality? The bar was closed when I arrived. No Guinness, no pint glass audit, nothing but tears. If you want to read about my Guinness trauma, see Novotel Coventry where they served it in a Becks glass, or Crewe Hall, where they betrayed me with bottled Blue Moon. Here, I got the sound of silence.

Forget Guinness — Wakefield serves water in glass.

🍳 Breakfast – Dodged a £10 Bullet

Breakfast was advertised as hearty and delicious. Translation: £10 for canteen roulette. I skipped it. No dried-out bacon, no mystery sausages, no fight for the last teaspoon. For breakfast trauma, revisit ibis Budget Newport, where the “communal area” served pot noodles as haute cuisine.

🌐 Wi-Fi – Suspiciously NASA-Grade

Wi-Fi speed: 70.5 down / 58.5 up. That’s faster than my hopes, dreams, and the M62 combined. Almost unnervingly so. At Mercure Bradford Bankfield I couldn’t even stream Homes Under the Hammer. Here, I could run Netflix, YouTube, and NASA ground control all at once.

70 down, 58 up. Faster than tap water here.

🧺 Bonus Features

• Laundry cages as industrial artwork.

• USB socket by the bed — groundbreaking for ibis.

• Parking aplenty, though paying £3 still feels like mugging yourself.
  

Welcome gift: other people’s sheets.

🧐 Final Thoughts – Laundry, Lights & Lies

A “quiet location” guarded by laundry cages. Corridors darker than a coal mine until you’re blinded by signage bright enough to guide aircraft. Beds that were actually comfy (disturbing), a kettle that wasn’t filthy (unheard of), and body wash that demanded I dance.

The bar was closed, breakfast avoided, but the Wi-Fi was so fast I suspect MI6 have an outpost nearby. Against all odds, Wakefield delivered a stay that was… good. Too good. Frankly, I’m still suspicious.

Would I stay again? Yes — but only because it was clean, quiet, modern, and everything actually worked. I may need therapy to process that.

⭐ Final Rating: 🧺🔦🛏️🚿🌐 = 7.9/10 – Nearly faultless, but one star lost for Guinness abandonment and the trauma of “Rock Your Body” toiletries. Curious how this hotel stacks up against the rest?

 👉 See the full Accor-ometer: Beds, Beers & Bad Decisions