ibis Styles Crewe – Trains, Dogs & WhatsApp Dreams

The Fat Controller was cross… the dogs had biscuits, but poor Nigel had none.

“Stylish economy rooms inspired by Crewe’s railway heritage,” boasts the brochure, which translates to a steam train doodle on the wall and the sweet aroma of fryer oil wafting from below. The glamorous location? Crewe Business Park: an industrial estate with Labradors in the car park. “Warm and welcoming,” they claim — unless you’re human. Dogs get biscuits, I got a dead keycard and a lift built from rival parts. ibis Styles Crewe: stylish if you like murals, welcoming if you bark — much like ibis Wakefield East Castleford, where even a motorway exit got more glamour.

🔑 Check-In Chaos – The Keycard Olympics

I arrived late, dreaming of bed. Instead, my first keycard gave up immediately, forcing me back to reception to collect another. “It happens sometimes,” said the smiling receptionist, as if being locked out of your room was a quirky feature, not a design flaw.

And then came the lift. Oh, the lift. A Schindler mechanism proudly sporting an Otis screen. Two rival companies mashed together like a BMW dashboard glued into a Ford Mondeo. Each journey upwards felt like a hostage negotiation between warring manufacturers. If it had burst into flames halfway up, I wouldn’t have been surprised.

By the time I finally reached my room, it already smelled like the local chippy. At least I didn’t need to ask what was for dinner — the extractor fan answered for me. Still, I’d almost have preferred this chaos to the broken lifts at ibis Nottingham, where sideways bathroom entries counted as cardio.

🛏️ Room & Décor – Trainspotter’s Retreat

Inside, the décor screamed rail heritage — which is corporate code for “we drew a train on the wall and called it a theme.” Stylish, in the same way a 1992 Hornby catalogue is stylish.

To give credit, the bed was a proper double (not two singles nailed together in shame), and the cleanliness levels were forensic. I scoured the place with a UV torch like CSI: Crewe, and found nothing. Not a stain, not a crumb. Suspicious, almost unsettling.

But the rest? Forget it. No robe, no slippers, no minibar, no bottled water, no freebies, and no biscuits for the human guest. Downstairs, Labradors were crunching Pedigree like kings, while I sat kettle-side like a biscuitless pauper. The only concession to modern life was a Samsung TV that worked and a desk with a chair that didn’t collapse.

I’d almost take the robe-and-slipper overkill at Mercure York Fairfield Manor over this stripped-down austerity. At least there I could press trousers I didn’t even bring.

☕ Kettle Corner – Mediocrity in a Mug

The hospitality tray was a true festival of mediocrity. Four sachets of Nescafé (the coffee equivalent of bin juice), three Twinings teas, and two lonely UHT milk pods from Lakeland Dairies. It’s the same “tea and coffee making facilities” you’ve seen in every roadside budget stop, only presented as if it’s a perk.

The bathroom, to its credit, was modern and spotless. The shower could’ve doubled as a storage unit, and water pressure was actually decent. But then came the toiletries: a single, sad pump bottle labelled “Amazing You in a Bottle.” Bold claim for what was essentially diluted Flash spray.

No fancy coffee machine, no bottled water, and — lest we forget — still no biscuits. Unless, of course, you were a poodle. At least it wasn’t the possessed kettle from Novotel Coventry, which looked like it wanted to unionise with the bedside lamp.

🐶 Reception Circus – Biscuits for Dogs, None for Nigel

Reception resembled a budget carnival. On one side, a dog buffet: glass jar of biscuits, artisan water dispenser, stainless bowls on cartoon paw mats. Dogs were pampered like royalty, tails wagging in delight. On the other side? A toy train set plonked on the desk with no explanation, chugging round in circles like a metaphor for life in Crewe.

And then there was me — a Platinum member — wandering past the dog feast with not so much as a Rich Tea in sight. Labradors were munching, terriers were slurping, and Nigel got… nothing. It’s the only hotel I’ve stayed in where four-legged guests get better catering than the ones who paid.

If this is hospitality, then next time I’m checking in under the name “Mr. Paws.” At least Novotel Newcastle Airport gave me Biscoff biscuits — here the canines had it better.

Platinum member: no biscuits. Labrador: full board included.

🍺 Bar & Food – Guinness Salvation, Menu Damnation

I shuffled to the bar, clutching my free drinks voucher like Charlie with his golden ticket. And lo — Guinness! On tap, poured perfectly, in the correct glass. I nearly fainted. For once, ibis delivered. A pint so proper it deserves its own stained glass window. And yes, this miracle now earns its rightful place in The Great Guinness Glass Audit.

But the joy was short-lived. The chalkboard specials promised rump steak, cod supreme, and spotted dick. My taste buds tingled. My stomach roared. I ordered. And the response? “Oh no, those aren’t available. We only have the 24-hour menu.”

So back I went to the infamous BBQ chicken wings. Tiny, greasy, tasteless relics of something that once roamed the earth. Even the dogs downstairs wouldn’t have touched them. If the Guinness was nectar, the wings were punishment — culinary purgatory served on a plate. Almost as tragic as the pot noodle prison canteen at ibis Budget Newport.

📶 Wi-Fi & Parking – Luxury by Mistake

Miracles do happen. The Wi-Fi connected instantly and delivered speeds of 64 down / 50 up. At an ibis Styles. In Crewe. I nearly rang the Vatican. I could stream Netflix, post sarcastic reviews, and send live footage of the dog buffet to friends without a single dropout. Unheard of.

Parking, too, was mercifully free. Instead of the usual ParkingEye dystopia, they’d installed a shiny Clear Park tablet. Same soulless number-plate capture, but now with graphics. Like dying in HD instead of standard definition.

Two wins in one night. Which of course meant everything else had to collapse into absurdity, just to keep the balance.

Wi-Fi so fast I could stream my own disappointment in HD.

🎬 Final Thoughts – Biscuitless in Crewe

ibis Styles Crewe is a paradox wrapped in fryer fumes. A hotel that trumpets style but delivers murals, that celebrates loyalty but rewards Labradors, that nails Guinness but crucifies chicken wings. Platinum members get nothing, while terriers crunch biscuits in the lobby like minor royalty.

Yes, it was spotless. Yes, the Wi-Fi was lightning. Yes, the Guinness was perfect. But none of that excuses a stay where I felt less valued than a spaniel.

Final score?

1.5/10 🚂 train murals, 🍪 0/5 human biscuits, 🐶 10/10 dog treats, and a glorious 🍺✅ 10/10 Guinness pour.

Nigel Slippers — biscuitless, baffled, and still smelling of fryer oil. Curious how this hotel stacks up against the rest?

 👉 See the full Accor-ometer: Beds, Beers & Bad Decisions