Mercure Blackburn Dunkenhalgh – Castle Vibes & the Five-Person Shower

Arrived for a pint, left with a pet goat.

Pulling into the Mercure Blackburn is a bit like arriving at Downton Abbey if Lord Grantham had sold the estate to Accor and they’d parked a coach full of pensioners out front. Gothic stonework, sweeping gardens, the faint whiff of history… and 53 retirees about to storm the tea urn.

🛎 Check-In – The ParkingEye Paso Doble

First, I performed the traditional ParkingEye Dance – that frantic cha-cha to the little payment machine before your number plate triggers a financial mugging.

Reception was handled by a pint-sized professional perched on a discreet step behind the desk. She didn’t even wait for me to beg about my Accor status – just upgraded me instantly, proving she’s clearly the kind of woman who could run MI6 without breaking a sweat.

Upgraded before I could even flash the Accor card.

🏠 The Pendle Wing Exile

I’d imagined myself sweeping up the grand staircase like I was in a Merchant Ivory film. Instead, I was marched through the bar, out of the building, and into the Pendle Wing. Normally “annex” means “storage for broken furniture and guests we don’t like,” but not here – this building was actually… nice. Suspiciously nice.

The staircase I wasn’t allowed to use, probably in case I enjoyed it.

🛗 The Lift – Local Heritage with a Hint of Terror

Before reaching my room, I encountered the Pendle Wing lift – a proud creation of H. Breakell & Co., a Blackburn-based lift company just down the road with over 100 years of heritage.

Sadly, local pride was diluted by three Blu-Tac’d safety notices warning about the three-person limit. I opted for the stairs. Better to arrive slightly winded than to star in the Lancashire Telegraph under “Man ignores arts-and-crafts safety notice, meets predictable fate.”

(Not as terrifying as the broken-down lift at the ibis Nottingham, but it still made me think twice.)

Nothing says ‘trust me’ like a safety notice attached with Blu-Tac.

🔌 The Key Card Slot That Time Forgot

My first instinct was to shove my key card into the energy-saving slot by the door… except it didn’t fit. I fiddled, frowned, swore. Then the lights came on automatically, revealing a room so spotless and modern I briefly thought I’d walked into the wrong hotel. No horror, just pure shock – like expecting a Fiat Punto and finding a Bentley.

Decorative slot. Adds confusion, not light.

🛋 Creature Comforts – The Full Inventory

Once past the key card slot prank, I did my usual sweep for faults. Found none.

• Bed: One actual king-sized mattress (no “fall into the crack” double mash-up like at the Novotel Coventry) with a memory foam topper.

• Pillows: Good, but no spares for fort-building.

• TV: 42-inch, working remote, all channels functional – unlike the dodgy signal at the ibis Budget Newport.

• USB by the bed: Because crawling behind furniture for a socket is so last season.

• Robes & slippers: Ready for my inevitable Guinness mission.

One actual mattress. None of that ‘fall into the crack at 2am’ nonsense.

☕ Kettle, Coffee & Biscuits – The Holy Trinity

Hotels often fail at at least one of these. Not here.

• Kettle: Spotless – the sort of clean that could pass an MI5 kitchen inspection.

• Coffee: Fancy Nespresso machine – because apparently I’m posh now.

• Biscuits: Walkers Stem Ginger & Belgian Chocolate – elite snack status unlocked.

• Fridge: Contained actual drinks – a full-fat Fanta, a Diet Pepsi, and a glass bottle of water. That’s right, liquids… in a minibar… in Britain.

(Take notes, Crewe Hall – an empty minibar is just a small, sad cupboard.)

Ginger, chocolate & an MI5-approved kettle.

📞 The Phone Test – It Lives!

Regular readers will know my track record with hotel phones – dead, decorative, or wired to nowhere (Novotel Coventry, Mercure York). But this one? Operational. I picked it up, got a dial tone, and called reception just to double-check they weren’t bluffing. They answered instantly, probably wondering why I was so excited.

Operational. I nearly fainted.

🛁 The Bathroom – Walk With Me Tim Approval

This was, without exaggeration, one of the best hotel bathrooms I’ve seen in years. Recently upgraded, Elemental Herbology toiletries, Grohe fixtures, and a shower so vast you could comfortably fit five people – which I’m fairly sure is the exact measurement standard Walk With Me Tim uses in his hotel tours.

Two shower options: rainfall or handheld. No bath, but baths in hotels are just people soup anyway.

The door handle, however, was barely clinging on. If it had trapped me inside, I’d have happily lived there.

Big enough for a shower, a dinner party, and possibly a small wedding.

🌳 Views Worthy of Postcards

The gardens and historic main building lived up to the Gothic romance vibe. And for once, I didn’t have a glamorous wheelie bin panorama – just a proper garden view.

(Compare that to the stunning bin-and-car-park vista at the Mercure Telford Centre.)

🧺 Laundry & Wardrobe Luxury

Now this is rare – a hotel with laundry service offered upfront. A proper laundry bag in the room, instructions, the works. For someone who lives out of hotels half the week, that’s a big tick.

Also, the coat hanger situation was an unexpected joy – nine matching, unbroken hangers. Obviously, I hung up everything I owned just because I could.

Nine matching hangers. Living the dream.

🍺 The Bar – Guinness, the Holy Grail

Voucher handed over, Guinness ordered, no drama. Not from a can, not in the wrong glass (looking at you, Novotel Coventry), but perfectly poured draught with a creamy head that brought a tear to my eye. I went back for a second just to confirm it wasn’t a fluke — same flawless pour, only this time the barman etched a shamrock into the foam. This will rank highly in The Great Guinness Glass Audit, my soon-to-be-published record of every pint worth talking about.

The moment you realise you’ve peaked in life.

🍽 Dinner – Goat’s Cheese Obsession

I started with potato and leek soup – lovely flavour, but served at a temperature last recorded inside Mount Vesuvius. I’m fairly sure it could have stripped paint if I’d spilt it.

Then came the goats’ cheese starter – my personal kryptonite. If goats’ cheese was a person, I’d have proposed there and then. It was creamy, tangy, perfect… the only thing missing was romantic music and a registry office.

Goats’ cheese so good I’d fight you for it.

📡 Wi-Fi – Fast Enough to Be Annoying

Speed test came back 18 down, 7 up. On paper, fine. In reality, it’s in that awkward zone where it loads email instantly but makes you question your life choices if you try to stream anything. Compared to the ibis Budget Newport (where the Wi-Fi was powered by the dreams of snails), this was lightning – but still not bingeable without turning your Netflix show into a slideshow.

Slower than my nan in a supermarket, but faster than ibis Budget Newport.

🧐 Final Thoughts – Showers & Shamrock Guinness

So what happened?

• Dodged the ParkingEye faff.

• Upgraded to Pendle Wing without asking.

• Walked past grand staircase… then sent through bar and outside.

• Saw a Breakell lift with more warning signs than roadworks — took stairs.

• Lights worked without key card (sorcery).

• Checked bed wasn’t two singles in disguise.

• Spotless kettle, posh coffee, elite biscuits, stocked fridge.

• Bathroom so good Walk With Me Tim would move in — five-person shower, wobbly door handle.

• Potato & leek soup hot enough to melt cutlery.

• Two perfect pints of Guinness — second crowned with shamrock.

• Guinness so good it’s launching the Nigel Slippers Guinness Index (coming soon).

Would I stay again?

Yes — if the Guinness still flows, soup stays under magma temp, and Pendle Wing remains my kingdom.

⭐ Final Rating: 🍺🚿🛏️🍪🚌 = 9.2/10 – Five stars, two pints, one shamrock. Curious how this hotel stacks up against the rest?

 👉 See the full Accor-ometer: Beds, Beers & Bad Decisions